My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, "Why didn't you speak up for yourself?" here are the most common answers I receive:
"I want to keep the peace."
"I don't want to rock the boat."
"I didn't know what to say."
"It won't change anything."
"He/she won't listen."
"We will just end up fighting."
"He/she will make it my fault."
Charlie is in his early 70's, and has been married to Esther for 43 years. Charlie and Esther love each other very much, but there has always been a problem in their marriage, and Charlie finally decided to get some help with it.
The issue is that Esther often speaks to Charlie with a harsh, demeaning, parental tone - telling him what to do. All these years, Charlie's way of dealing with this has been to comply - to be the 'nice' guy and try to 'keep the peace.' But every once in a while he suddenly blows up, scaring and hurting Esther. She has asked him over and over to tell her what's upsetting him so much, but when he has, she doesn't listen and turns it back onto him. In his mind, he has been in a no-win situation. The last blow-up led Charlie to seek my help.
The problem is that Charlie had never said anything to Esther in the moment about her tone. When he did say something, after the fact, Esther would have no idea what he was talking about, so she would explain, defend, and turn it back on him.
"I don't know what to say," said Charlie.
"Charlie, how do you feel inside when Esther speaks to you with a harsh, demeaning tone?"
"I feel small, diminished, like I did when my father would criticize me. I feel like a helpless little kid. I hate it. It hurts me."
"And when you suddenly blow up, what do you say?"
"I tell her to shut up."
"Are you telling her to shut up about what she is saying?"
"Yes."
"So you don't say anything about her tone of voice or how you feel?"
"No, I don't think I have ever said anything about her tone of voice."
"Charlie, if you were to say something in the moment, not about what she is saying, but about how she is saying it, what would you say?"
"I'd say, 'Your tone of voice is harsh and diminishing and it hurts me.'"
"Great! Would you be willing to say this the next time Esther is harsh with you?"
"Yes!"
The next week, Charlie reported that he and Esther had a great week together. He had quietly responded the way we had rehearsed and he was shocked at how Esther responded. Instead of getting angry, defensive, explaining or attacking, she said, "You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you for telling me."
All this time Charlie was certain that if he spoke up for himself, things would get worse. Instead, he discovered that Esther was very open to hearing his feelings and experience when it was in the moment, and was thrilled that he finally spoke up for himself.
Telling others what they are doing wrong, or trying to get them to stop doing what they are doing will generally lead to a difficult interaction. But speaking up for yourself with the intent of taking loving care of yourself will make you feel much better, even if the other person doesn’t hear you. At least you are hearing yourself, and this is what is important. And you might be surprised at how the other responds!
"I want to keep the peace."
"I don't want to rock the boat."
"I didn't know what to say."
"It won't change anything."
"He/she won't listen."
"We will just end up fighting."
"He/she will make it my fault."
Charlie is in his early 70's, and has been married to Esther for 43 years. Charlie and Esther love each other very much, but there has always been a problem in their marriage, and Charlie finally decided to get some help with it.
The issue is that Esther often speaks to Charlie with a harsh, demeaning, parental tone - telling him what to do. All these years, Charlie's way of dealing with this has been to comply - to be the 'nice' guy and try to 'keep the peace.' But every once in a while he suddenly blows up, scaring and hurting Esther. She has asked him over and over to tell her what's upsetting him so much, but when he has, she doesn't listen and turns it back onto him. In his mind, he has been in a no-win situation. The last blow-up led Charlie to seek my help.
The problem is that Charlie had never said anything to Esther in the moment about her tone. When he did say something, after the fact, Esther would have no idea what he was talking about, so she would explain, defend, and turn it back on him.
"I don't know what to say," said Charlie.
"Charlie, how do you feel inside when Esther speaks to you with a harsh, demeaning tone?"
"I feel small, diminished, like I did when my father would criticize me. I feel like a helpless little kid. I hate it. It hurts me."
"And when you suddenly blow up, what do you say?"
"I tell her to shut up."
"Are you telling her to shut up about what she is saying?"
"Yes."
"So you don't say anything about her tone of voice or how you feel?"
"No, I don't think I have ever said anything about her tone of voice."
"Charlie, if you were to say something in the moment, not about what she is saying, but about how she is saying it, what would you say?"
"I'd say, 'Your tone of voice is harsh and diminishing and it hurts me.'"
"Great! Would you be willing to say this the next time Esther is harsh with you?"
"Yes!"
The next week, Charlie reported that he and Esther had a great week together. He had quietly responded the way we had rehearsed and he was shocked at how Esther responded. Instead of getting angry, defensive, explaining or attacking, she said, "You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you for telling me."
All this time Charlie was certain that if he spoke up for himself, things would get worse. Instead, he discovered that Esther was very open to hearing his feelings and experience when it was in the moment, and was thrilled that he finally spoke up for himself.
Telling others what they are doing wrong, or trying to get them to stop doing what they are doing will generally lead to a difficult interaction. But speaking up for yourself with the intent of taking loving care of yourself will make you feel much better, even if the other person doesn’t hear you. At least you are hearing yourself, and this is what is important. And you might be surprised at how the other responds!
3 comments:
"I am so happy to share this wonderful testimony about Dr Brave, my name is Elizabeth Jefferson I am 34 years old, I live in Florida united states, I am happily married to Sowers Jefferson with three kids we got married in 2006 I am a banker but due to some certain family conditions I had to quit my job so I could have time for my family my husband works in a construction company not long ago around may 2015 my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very Confused by the way he treat me and the Kids. Later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i Done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce That he hate me and do not want to see Me again in his life, i was mad and also Frustrated do not know what to do,i was Sick for more than 4 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is Incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believed in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Brave for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have Been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then he told me that he have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to Me and the kids, he casted the spell and After 27hours my husband called me and He told me that i should forgive him, he Started to apologize on phone and said That he still loves me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr Brave casted on him that brought him back to me today, i and my family Are now happy again today. thank you Dr Brave for what you have done for me i would have been nothing Today if not for your great spell. i want You my friends who are passing through All this kind of love problem of getting Back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact him on this email: bravespellcaster@gmail.com , web site:http://enchantedscents.tripod.com/lovespell/ . and you will see that your problem will be solved Without any delay or effect cell number +2348072370762 Thanks for reading. ."
"I am so happy to share this wonderful testimony about Dr Brave, my name is Elizabeth Jefferson I am 34 years old, I live in Florida united states, I am happily married to Sowers Jefferson with three kids we got married in 2006 I am a banker but due to some certain family conditions I had to quit my job so I could have time for my family my husband works in a construction company not long ago around may 2015 my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very Confused by the way he treat me and the Kids. Later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i Done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce That he hate me and do not want to see Me again in his life, i was mad and also Frustrated do not know what to do,i was Sick for more than 4 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is Incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believed in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Brave for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have Been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then he told me that he have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to Me and the kids, he casted the spell and After 27hours my husband called me and He told me that i should forgive him, he Started to apologize on phone and said That he still loves me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr Brave casted on him that brought him back to me today, i and my family Are now happy again today. thank you Dr Brave for what you have done for me i would have been nothing Today if not for your great spell. i want You my friends who are passing through All this kind of love problem of getting Back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact him on this email: bravespellcaster@gmail.com , web site:http://enchantedscents.tripod.com/lovespell/ . and you will see that your problem will be solved Without any delay or effect cell number +2348072370762 Thanks for reading. ."
What is the problem troubling you? Do you need Ex Back?, Do you have problems in your marriage? Do you have fight with your ex? are you in trouble of debt?, Do husband or wife divorce you?,what are those things killing your happiness?, making you so unhappy? you don’t have to worry no more because i have got a quick way in solving problems.
My husband and I are both directors and shareholders in our family business. We have been married for 20 years but my husband is now going for a divorce, i agreed in the first place but i later realized what happens to my family and what rights will I have in the business if my husband divorce me, and i have worked so hard for my family and this business, i was incomplete and wondered what to do because he already went to court. I browsing on the internet when i saw a post on how a spell caster called Chief Nwaluta Mallam Zack helped someone bring back her ex, so i wondered if he can help me, i gave him the try and contacted him at his email nwalutaspelltemple@gmail.com, he told me not to worry that everything would be alright, i gave him the chance to cast the spell, he told me that in 48 hours my husband will come back and beg me, i never believed it at first, surprisingly completing 48 hours he came back and started to beg me not be to be annoyed about what he did, and now we are happy again. Thank you Chief Nwaluta Mallam Zack today my home is restored back if you are going through similar problem you can contact him at his private email {nwalutaspelltemple@gmail.com} Jessica Galan USA.
Post a Comment